Saturday, June 4, 2011

My life; my decision!

Today, I decided to live my life for myself! Or should I rather say, I decided not live for others? It simply means that I will only do what I really want to. No more acting happy and trying to see that bright side of life and force that smile, no more taking tablets to prolong this miserable life. World can hate me for all it wants.

I know it is important to do what I really want, not what others expect out of me. I am not sure I can be mean to others. It may not be in my nature. But for sure, I will not change me for others. I am what I am. If you like me the way I am, please like me. If not, continue to hate me, bitch about me, malign me and make my life miserable. What more can you do? Ya, You can poison the minds of those who like me too. Wont that complete the cycle?

I may decide to not to live this life. Wont that be my prerogative? I wish it was that simple. But what do you do about others who wish the best for you and live for you, or at least care a bit about you? I have no answers. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Jesus and Mary Magdalen - Kahlil Gibran


From Kahlil Gibran's "Jesus the Son of Man"



It was in the month of June when I saw Him for the first time. He was walking in the wheatfield when I passed by with my handmaidens, and He was alone. The rhythm of His steps was different from other men’s, and the movement of His body was like naught I had seen before. Men do not pace the earth in that manner. And even now I do not know whether He walked fast or slow. My handmaidens pointed their fingers at Him and spoke in shy whispers to one another. And I stayed my steps for a moment, and raised my hand to hail Him. But He did not turn His face, and He did not look at me. And I hated Him. I was swept back into myself, and I was as cold as if I had been in a snow-drift. And I shivered.


That night I beheld Him in my dreaming; and they told me afterward that I screamed in my sleep and was restless upon my bed.


It was in the month of August that I saw Him again, through my window. He was sitting in the shadow of the cypress tree across my garden, and He was still as if He had been carved out of stone, like the statues in Antioch and other cities of the North Country. And my slave, the Egyptian, came to me and said, “That man is here again. He is sitting there across your garden.” And I gazed at Him, and my soul quivered within me, for He was beautiful. His body was single and each part seemed to love every other part. Then I clothed myself with raiment of Damascus, and I left my house and walked towards Him.


Was it my aloneness, or was it His fragrance, that drew me to Him? Was it a hunger in my eyes that desired comeliness, or was it His beauty that sought the light of my eyes? Even now I do not know. I walked to Him with my scented garments and my golden sandals, the sandals the Roman captain had given me, even these sandals. And when I reached Him, I said, “Good-morrow to you.”


And He said, “Good-morrow to you, Miriam.” And He looked at me, and His night-eyes saw me as no man had seen me. And suddenly I was as if naked, and I was shy.


Yet He had only said, “Good-morrow to you.”


And then I said to Him, “Will you not come to my house?”


And He said, “Am I not already in your house?”


I did not know what He meant then, but I know now.


And I said, “Will you not have wine and bread with me?”


And He said, “Yes, Miriam, but not now.”


Not now, not now, He said. And the voice of the sea was in those two words, and the voice of the wind and the trees. And when He said them unto me, life spoke to death. For mind you, my friend, I was dead. I was a woman who had divorced her soul. I was living apart from this self which you now see. I belonged to all men, and to none. They called me harlot, and a woman possessed of seven devils. I was cursed, and I was envied. But when His dawn-eyes looked into my eyes all the stars of my night faded away, and I became Miriam, only Miriam, a woman lost to the earth she had known, and finding herself in new places.


And now again I said to Him, “Come into my house and share bread and wine with me.”


And He said, “Why do you bid me to be your guest?”


And I said, “I beg you to come into my house.” And it was all that was sod in me, and all that was sky in me calling unto Him.


Then He looked at me, and the noontide of His eyes was upon me, and He said, “You have many lovers, and yet I alone love you. Other men love themselves in your nearness. I love you in your self. Other men see a beauty in you that shall fade away sooner than their own years. But I see in you a beauty that shall not fade away, and in the autumn of your days that beauty shall not be afraid to gaze at itself in the mirror, and it shall not be offended. I alone love the unseen in you.”


Then He said in a low voice, “Go away now. If this cypress tree is yours and you would not have me sit in its shadow, I will walk my way.”


And I cried to Him and I said, “Master, come to my house. I have incense to burn for you, and a silver basin for your feet. You are a stranger and yet not a stranger. I entreat you, come to my house.”


Then He stood up and looked at me even as the seasons might look down upon the field, and He smiled. And He said again: “All men love you for themselves. I love you for yourself.”


And then He walked away.


But no other man ever walked the way He walked. Was it a breath born in my garden that moved to the east? Or was it a storm that would shake all things to their foundations?


I knew not, but on that day the sunset of His eyes slew the dragon in me, and I became a woman, I became Miriam, Miriam of Mijdel.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dear Husband



Husbands and wifes! You cannot live with out them nor love with them... Each person has their problems!

........................................................................
Dear Husband:


I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.


Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Your EX-Wife


---


Dear Ex-Wife


Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging.


Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.


When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.


After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.


My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.


So take care.




P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.


Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Need a break!

Tired! I want a break from this stress! May be I am not sleeping too well. Lots and lots of demands from office as well as family. Cant compromise anywhere! Cant let anyone down! Am I the only one stuck in these kinds of problems... May be, May be not!

What I need is a distraction, may be a vacation! But, what to do, no vacation written in my fate for at least foreseeable future. Some other distraction needed... What can help? I tried reading and found some gems.. Loved a poem called "Summer Rain" by Deepa.
http://deepaspoems.blogspot.com/2011/02/summer-rain.html

That also couldn't distract me for long...What now? Is it too late to cook something. May be something simple, something delicious... What would that be? Let me follow my whim! Till we meet again!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The girl I used to be!


Today a friend, who is a full time mom, send me a poem titled "The girl I used to be". Another poems whose origin is unknown. I tried to google but only found some sites which has this poem, mostly inspirational quotes etc. Nowhere there is a mention of who actually wrote this! Anyway, poem is simple, but very inspirational or thought provoking!

There was something in this which tugged my heart, though I am not a mother. All of us had our dreams, hopes and plans! Where have we reached and are we happy with that? Can we confidently repeat the last two lines of the poem? For all those who don't know this poem!



She came tonight as I sat alone,
the girl I used to be,
And she gazed at me with her earnest eyes,
and questioned reproachfully,
Have you forgotten the many plans,
and hopes I had for you?
The great career,
the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?
Where is the mansion of stately height,
with all of its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you,
and the shining jewels in your hair?
And as she spoke,
I was very sad,
for I wanted her pleased with me,
This slender girl from the shadowy past,
the girl I used to be.

So gently rising,
I took her hand and guided her up the stairs,
Where peacefully sleeping,
my babies lay, innocent, sweet and fair,
And I told her that these are my only gems,
and precious they are to me,
That silken robe is my motherhood,
of costly simplicity,
And my mansion of stately height is love,
and the only career I know,
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls,
for the dear ones who come and go,
And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
she smiled through her tears at me,
And I saw the woman that I am now,
pleased, the girl that I used to be!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Crying... Again?

I am crying! Again... As if it doesn't happen everyday! This is not a new story. But fact is that I am unhappy and I cant control myself from crying out. I can smile anymore for the world. May be I want to stop it all. Would I be a coward if I wish to end it all? May be! But then how do endure more?

I wish my dear ones understand me a bit more, love me a bit more and more over care to do that little bit for me! Am I asking too much? Am I not a simple girl with simple dreams and hopes? How long can I go on seeing all my dreams getting crushed as if it doesn't matter? May be it is too much to ask. But then the world around me does a lot more for their loved ones. May be I am not worth it!

And it definitely brings me back to my question! Is this life worth living? For what? For whom? And how long more? When I read all tragedies in paper, I wonder why God is sparing me. I have no wish to endure more... May be I cant! Sometimes I wonder why is this life so sadistic..

No answers anywhere... I hope the purpose of all this is lurking around in some corner... And it is worth it all.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Limits in love

Does love has limits? I feel that there should be. When love becomes limitless, you forget yourself and live for the other person. What if that person has kept a limit? And they dont really care about what you do for them and sacrifice in life for them? I dont think I can survive a situation like that.

There are so many who are taken for granted in love. You keep giving without getting anything in return. How long will you carry on like that?